I'm not Yandere! I simply just love Satoru-senpai too much!
by iCactus
Summary: Senpai, please notice me! Why are you ignoring me? Behind the scenes of Satoru Suzuki's dreadful days on Yggdrasil.
1. Prologue: This girl is bad news

Satoru Suzuki - Real life Japanese name of Momonga/Ainz

Currently I have not stated the main characters name or looks on purpose

You will have a better understanding of references if you have read both the light novel and heard the drama CDs - for hardcore fans basically.

I will never specifically say who our beloved heroine cleans up, because, rating... cough... rating...

Lastly, read between the lines. Do not take whats written at face value.

Entire story has been re-edited

* * *

 **Prologue**

Muu… Satoru Suzuki-senpai! Why won't you notice me!? All you do is play that stupid game Yggdrasil these days.

What massive multiplayer online!? If you want to play with something, my body is ten times bette… no… a thousan… no… infinitely better than fiddling with your console.

Hmmm… what can I do so senpai notices at me? Do I have to kill someone? Stabbing, slicing, hanging…

The game developers? Maybe if the game developers were to meet an unfortunate end, the game may cease to exist. If the game ceased to exist senpai would be sad. Ah… I don't want senpai to be sad.

Hang on. On second thoughts… If senpai is sad, it is a chance for me to comfort him. If I comfort him, senpai will notice me. If he notices me, he would forcefully push me down onto a soft king sized bed and… Kyahh! While harbouring such thoughts, my heart palpating, my head started burning, and my breath became ragged…

Eek! I can see senpai's sad puppy look already. It's making me so very, very excited! The fingers of my left hand muffled the progressively hard panting from my mouth. My right hand started crawling its way towards my abdomen. Ah… long, hard and sharp.

Hello Scissor-chan, you want to help me? You want to cut and I need some cutting done. Scissor-chan, we have a common interest, right? KehHeheh...

Ahem. No, no. I'm still on shift in the office. Nevertheless! Ah… What a nice vision.

Hmmm… Is there a way I can get away with murder? Leaning over the desk, I clenched my fists in frustration and pondered on such thoughts against the game developers. Kill… how… accident… chemicals… electrocution…

While deeply submersed in my thoughts, a random person in the background shouts "Damn! I died on the same platform again! I just want to uninstall this flappy-fk'n-bird game."

Food poisoning… Game… Dead… Again? Angry? Want to quit game?

Uue… Hehehe. A revelation! An epiphany! The more I think about it, the simpler it seems. I just need to kill his game character enough times and he is bound to quit with rage. Rage quit? What a nice ring. Senpai's angry face must look charming too.

When senpai quits Yggdrasil, senpai will look at me! He is going to become my lovely puppet on strings. Right? Right!?

Scissor-chan, looks like you are going to have to wait a bit.


	2. Chapter 1: Scissor-chan and I

Mio Mio = Main heroine's in game name

Senpai = Satoru Suzuki/Momonga/Ainz

* * *

 **Scissor-chan and I**

[Mio Mio is a young woman with neatly kept hair of a golden-blond colour that extends slightly pass the shoulders. The hair is styled with a large red ribbon on the left-side that uplifts the hair, revealing her beauty mark under the left eye corner. Her irises are ruby red, complemented with long lustrous eyelashes and a sharp gaze. Her nose is a perfect shape and size. Her lips are an alluring blood red. Her skin was pale but does not emanate a sickly demeanour. She is casually dressed in Valkyrie styled brownish-golden turtleneck, colour matching skirt, along with long black socks. Quite the dignified and innocent look you say?

Um… yes but… Let us skip to the chase on her appearance. Basically, she gives you a feeling of "Please step on me, Onee-sama!"

There is no way that cleavage revealing diamond on her chest is not on purpose. The skirt's length and design teases the immoral feeling of trying to find the ends of the garter-belt. Furthermore, there is no way the long black socks are trying to hide the legs. Rather, it emphasises the long and slender legs that you want doing the punishment.

Eh? The armour plating of the clothing and knee height steel leg boots? More like "Please use those and step on this spot harder!"

The angelic atmosphere radiated by the angelic wings that come out behind her back? More like "The feeling of corruption is the best!"

Her deep aristocratic bitch tone of voice just makes you just want to go "Hnnng! More! Scorn me more!"

Oh. Her three sizes top-to-bottom, height, weight, and underwear of the day are a perfect 80-..]

What. The. Fuck!? This kind of retarded description gets carried on from Yggdrasil?

Sigh. I put my **World's View** book away. What is the item? This is just a common item from Yggdrasil that holds miscellaneous public descriptions of player characters. If you were well-known enough in Yggdrasil, some people wrote entries about you. The entries are public, and when voted with enough likes, the entries become your description in the **World's View**.

Looks like World's View works slightly different in this new world. Rather than descriptions being formed from entries, the descriptions are formed from popular public opinions. However, this begs the question, how the heck are my measurements so exact!?

The only time I had my measurements taken was by one of the sisters at Slane Theocracy churches for new clothing a day ago. Besides… it is by popular public opinion right?

Eh... No way… A shiver crawls down my back as I came to realisation.

I want to leave this world already! How long again has it been since I've been sent to this world from Yggdrasil? Three days, nine hours, forty-three minutes and fifty-two seconds – The time that I could have been spending looking at senpai.

Instead, I am staying at a church while being guarded by a few vermin. I do enjoy the luxurious stay in the church rooms and hot-baths are not easy to find.

On the other hand, this is so restrictive!

Furthermore! The bishops keeps shouting something about "Envoy of God's will!" or "The foresight of the future!" or "Our path to victory!" How annoying! Do these people not know I am actually of the succubus race and my appearance is due to cash shop items?

The reason for creating succubus race back in Yggdrasil was simple. The race received special favours from the game developers, and had access to lots more cash and non-cash appearances. Just thinking about the appearances would make you come to the conclusion "the game developers and sisters of this church were related."

Anyways, the wide selection of appearances made easy disguise. In addition, the tracking abilities obtained from the ranger class made it very easy to stalk senpa… Ahem… made a good gameplay strategy to track a target. Ranger abilities were quite useful during time of heteromorphic race hunt too. I specialise at defence, buffing, tracking, bindings and detection, while having minimal offensive capabilities.

Me being hunted?

Ufufufu.

By the way, during the time back in Yggdrasil, I was not the one being hunted. No. I was the one who instigated the whole "hate on heteromorphic race" thing. There were a few reasons for me to start this hate thing.

Firstly, people player-killed for drops and experience. If players focused the heteromorphic race, senpai will die more. This is because senpai is playing as an undead lich.

Secondly, I knew I would be at a disadvantage if I tried to kill senpai with direct combat. Being in Yggdrasil longer, senpai had more information, knowledge, and mechanical skills than me. Therefore, I needed people to hunt him for me.

Thus, leading to the third and final reason. Horny men with a stupid sense of justice were surprising easy to influence. Most of the men that participated in the beginning hunts flocked to me when I was on the microphone. Then I just went with some idiot reasoning to hunt heteromorphic race like "Isn't it unfair heteromorphic races are unbalanced?" or "Eww. Heteromorphic races look disgusting." The rest of the participants just went along with the flow.

Hnng. I get so flustered just thinking about the times I got parties together to track and hunt down senpai over and over again. The times I pounced senpai easily numbered over forty-three times.

Each time I player-killed him, senpai became more and more desperate in tactics to try preserve his precious experience and items. His voice of strength, anger and surprise also became weaker and weaker. Kyahhn… senpai, were you going to break? You were breaking right? I would have patched you up together nice and good with my homemade cooking you know?

Ah… but the senpai who was so try hard in attempting to escape my binding skills was adorable too. Not only was he tied up once, but five times with chains, seven times with rope, six times with stocks… and my favourite, nineteen times with leather straps. Ahn… senpai, your pitiful and pleading voice to spare you was like poisonous nectar during the last few player-kills.

Ueheuhuehe…

I wonder if it is because of my succubus race that I am like this now. Rolling on the bed, my hands wriggled their way down past my belly...

...to grab this long, hard and sharp object...

Scissor-chan.

I wonder, and I wonder… what kind of lovely expression senpai was showing each time I killed him. The expression when I stabbed him over and over again, which ever so slowly depleted his health bar. Scissor-chan, how many times did you normally stab him before he died? I was quite surprised to find piercing damage weak against undead. No worries, Scissor-chan. It was quite fun slowly enjoying senpai. Too bad the senpai's avatar face could not show facial expressions.

Scissor-chan, I prefer using you over Candle-wax-kun to torment senpai, because senpai's lich is weak to fire and dies too quickly to fire damage.

Ah. Stupid! It's not because I like bullying senpai or anything with my remade Scissor-chan on Yggdrasil. He simply needs to notice me and know I am better than his game. Unfortunately, stupid Onii-chan ruined our fun tim… Ahem… ruin my objective by rescuing senpai later on.


	3. Chapter 2: Candle-wax-kun's worth

Google translate says Momonga is translated to flying squirrel.

Since there is no function to cross out words – they are underlined and italic

Underline \+ _Italic writing_ = saying something very fast and not meant to be seen or heard

* * *

 **Candle-wax-kun's worth**

"Ufu… Many kills. Much cries. Very reminiscing. Wow."

"Mio-s… Mio-sam… Mio-sama."

"Hm? Ah!"

I snapped out of my nice and dreamy memory, and came to my senses. My hands and Scissor-chan were drenched in clear viscous fluid. Hastily, I rolled out of bed and threw my hands out of vision behind my back. Scissor-chan was placed back into my secondary weapon slot.

I moved into a dignified and upright composure to answer the old priest.

"Ahem. I was testing secret holy water! Te-he."

God. Fk'n. Damit. The best I can come up with is secret holy water? At best, I probably looked like I was 420 blazing it.

"Goodness! Even your saliva makes strong poison for demons. Your enthusiasm and abilities to do God's work stuns me. Thank you for working your hardest for those who have sinned. Surely, one day, as God's messenger, you will lead those with sin into salvation."

I do not understand what happened, but he bought it! Ah… please do not start rambling about Six Gods again.

"From the Old Testament left by the Six Gods I quote "The man who knows not of sales days will be left unsatisfied of fap material. Fap refers to essence and material refers to goods. Thus, it means it is up to us, the humans and angels, to return us to the prosperous and glorious days where…"

Damn. There the priest goes. His verbal diarrhoea is not going to end soon.

For the record, my primary weapon is Whip-Whip-tan. I have only used Whip-Whip-tan on senpai twice in Yggdrasil when I player-killed him. _He died too quickly to the blunt damage for me to enjoy._ _He had no time to taste the terror befalling him_. No. Whip-Whip-tan was an ineffective means of education. I will reiterate again, it is for senpai's education to understand that I am much better than Yggdrasil.

"…In this day and age, where the influence of monsters and demi-humans are mounting on top of humans, there is a wise saying from the Gods. Yes. As long as there are plentiful breasts, and as long as there are bountiful bottoms, it does not matter. Meaning! If we put the vigour of our beating hearts together and congregate in holy sittings, evil will never take hold. Open men will know flat is justice! Yes! The flatness of the plains where we build our stronghold is determined for human superio…"

I am beginning to think I should punch the priest for all the women out there.

Oh Dear. It is going to be quite some time before he comes to a stop when he goes on about his Six Gods and teachings. Honestly, I think I should break him the truth about his Gods being previously Yggdrasil players.

Unfortunately, the previous attending priest I told the truth to really did break down. Mentally. So, then I had to tie him up in the reverse prayer position to prevent him from running away.

From one thing to another, I ended up to breaking him physically. Candle-wax-kun, Scissor-chan and I should've had some good experiments on this human of the new world. Should've, could've but didn't!

First, I used the flames from Candle-wax-kun for sterilising Scissor-chan. Scissor-chan was going to be used for dissecting, while Candle-wax-kun was going to be used for sealing blood vessels. Stopping excessive bleeding by closing off blood vessels is just as important. Otherwise, people just do not last long enough in the tortu… science procedure.

Before I began, I first wanted see if the mechanism and time of wound healing remained similar to our world. _This was to make sure I used the correct techniques so for maximum suffering_. This was to maximise the experimental results. The slow damage over time from Candle-wax-kun's wax should have provided me with enough time to prepare healing spells.

However! Just one drip of wax from Candle-wax-kun made the priest burst into flames. The incineration left nothing behind but specks of dust. Are humans in this world that weak? Or, is it because my Yggdrasil stats made the effects absurdly strong? How frustrating. I did not even get the chance relieve myself with Scissor-chan. Needless to say that the experiment was a failure. However, candle-wax-kun is quite useful for disposing bodies.

Eh? It was by chance that he broke mentally! I swear I did not activate Corroding Voice. It's not like I wanted to continue enjoy breaking him or anything, okay!? He was going to spread about me being an Evil God heretic. The only person I enjoy brea… no… the only person I only do my best for is senpai! Even if you do break, I will lovingly and tenderly look after your body forever and ever. Uuehehehehe.

Speaking of breaking…

Due to the popularity of heteromorphic race hunting, lots of Yggdrasil players started strategizing carefully on where they adventured to and grinded. Players were beginning to seek information, and started using strategical stealth spells and abilities, rather than pure firepower against monster mobs. The system of peace broke. Desire for revenge and unsettled grudges sometimes led to all out guild wars for months. Those who desired economical might fought for controlled over trading fortresses and cities, despite being in hard to defend locations.

During the peak times of heteromorphic hunting, information selling on heteromorphic player's locations earned quite the sum of gold. I simply sold out senpai's locations over and over again. Did you forget that I am a ranger who is skilled at tracking? Sometimes he died and sometimes he escaped. Most times, he did not escape without sacrifice though.

Location information was worth ten gold at minimum and thirty gold at maximum. Senpai became a most wanted so he was worth one-hundred gold at the end. I got… let's see… one zero, two zeros, three zeros… six zeros. Just from selling out senpai's locations, I gathered around a million gold pieces.

On the other hand, players who came buying information became increasingly useless. Instead of the hunters killing, the hunters became experience and item food for senpai. No. Senpai became stronger and started dealing with them. As expected of senpai.

"Mio-sama. Yes. Time to meet the paladins and deliver your God message from God."

Urgh… Just hearing the word paladin fills my head of unpleasant memories. I already hate this priest, and now I have to go see paladins.

"Sure. Let's go…" I smiled, but the edges of my mouth twitched by trying to hide my dark emotion of anger.

In the final stages of my plan, I sold information to another party on senpai's location as usual. While he is cornered like a little squirrel by the party, I would come in and save him! I would be a shining light in his dark Yggdrasil days. There is no way he would recognise me as his previous player-killer, because of all these perfect disguising cash items.

A perfect plan to get senpai to notice me.

Or, so I thought…

Onii-chan has the worst timing ever! Onii-chan jumped in and saved senpai when it was not even time.

Kuu! How upsetting. Was it intentional? It had to be intentional. He must have caught onto my plans _to drag senpai into the pits of hell with me_. All because of stupid onii-chan everything became so troublesome. Senpai becoming stronger, senpai getting items, senpai becoming guild leader was so annoying to deal with.

Anyways, onii-chan is not here anymore, ever since I pulled some strings with his wife. I have all the free time in the world. I will make sure these paladins crumble to my will.


	4. Nyah, nyah, nyahh

please read it slowly and carefully - Play some sad music.

Important for character development later

* * *

 **Nyah, nyah, nyah**

Hello,

My name is Nyah. I think it is Nyah since my owner calls me that often. What is Owners name? Owner's name is Owner. I guess my owner goes by a different name sometimes, but Owner responds when I call out 'Owner!'

If it helps, Owner has a friend called Scissor-chan.

Owner, why do you sometimes try to communicate with me by calling my name over and over again? 'Nyah. Nyah, nyah, nyah? Nyah, nyah, nyah!'

How silly of you. Just reminiscing about it makes me smile. It's not that I hate your voice. No. I find your voice very calming, but I understand your intentions.

Sometimes, you bring a toy when you want to play with me.

Sometimes, you hide your hands when you bring a treat.

Sometimes, your voice becomes scary when I do something wrong.

Sometimes, you wave your hand at the pesky red dot annoying you. Sorry Owner, I cannot seem to catch it no matter how hard I try.

Sometimes, I love playing tag with you. However, I hate getting punished by being splashed in warm and soapy water whenever you win.

When you walk around with Scissor-chan, you always seem so happy. I remember the time when you and Scissor-chan happily went out to have a chat with the neighbourhood dog who was bullying me. The dog ran at the sight of me afterwards. You are so cool! How did you do it?

However…

One day when you came back, all you talked about was this senpai thing. Is it edible? You look like you were having so much fun back then. Though, I hated how your voice and touch always turned a bit funny when you talked about it.

These days you are never here for me to laze beside. You always have that headset on, or you are going out with Scissor-chan to find this senpai thing.

Hmph. Stupid Owner. It's not like I'm lonely or anything.

Besides, my eyes have almost no vision of you and my ears can hardly hear. I can only pick your scent up when I am very close. Smells like metal most of the time.

However, because it's you, I don't dislike it…

How envious I am of you, to still be able to run around like that. Feels like the time when you had me wear that stupid cone!

Ah… your brother. He was quite the gentle soul when I was struggling in that cone. It's interesting how you can make him turn all sorts of different colour. Some animals turn different colours when they are happy. I hope you continue treating him well!

So you see Owner, I have gotten to know you and your family well from the passing of many, many winters. Too many to count...

Hey Owner, will you re-open these eyes of mine when I close them this time? My eyes have become increasingly heavy with each passing winter. My body as well, seems to have gone weary...

I think I will catch you a gift one last time. You always yelped in surprise when I got you a gift. If I gave you a gift, will you spend a little more time with me again? It's okay even if you don't give me the treat.

The gift that makes you most happy seems to be some kind of skin humans wear around their crotch. You seem to refer this as senpai, when I retrieve this from a certain room, and in a certain house. Why are so obsessed with this? Can you not just sniff him directly?

Hnnng… Sorry Owner. It is hard, but I will definitely get this gift to you. I do not hear the midnight chime, yet, but it should be close. For a little while under these stars, please, let me close my eyes for a while.

Don't go too far away, okay?


	5. Chapter 3: I'm alway deredere for senpai

Everything will wrap up nicely when i finish the story - fingers crossed

* * *

 **I'm always DereDere for senpai**

 **-XXX-**

[Turning her head, she stared listlessly into the blue sky from the garden seats.

The soft and warm wind caressed her pure angelic wings. The wind gently teased the loose metal accessories on the Valkyrie styled armour, and a soft chime-like ring can be heard.

An angel. No. A goddess! This would by no means be an understatement to her beauty.

It is said she rewarded men for achieving a substantial goal for mankind. If you received such a blessing from her, you would be in the eyes of envy.

In fact, I am so jealous of the person in front of me receiving his reward right now!

Ah! Those long and slender legs she is currently using to step on him.

Ohh- I bet he can see them if he turns his head up. What colour are they!?

Goddess Mio! Please step on me instead! Especially step on this spot! Even when I tell you to stop, please don't stop! I'll show you the endurance my body has!

With your feet, I bet not even my wife can give me the same clima-]

Argh! I slammed **World's View** shut. Not even senpai has done such things with me yet, and these trashes dare imagine it!

I looked at the paladin acting as a footstool below my feet.

I look at the paladins and sisters of the church fluffing around more than twenty-meters away.

They immediately ripped their eyes away.

Are these guys mycorrhizal? Do they really share the same thought network? I am glad that **World's View** is on par with mindreading, but I am not happy at all.

It was because of two shitlord paladins standing at the back during last week's meeting. Thinking about the incident makes me want to hold my head.

 **-XXX-**

"I can't hear anything from the back. What are they staying?" queried the first paladin.

"Same old, same old. Destroying evil. Promoting good" replied the second. "Except this time, we if we screw up, we get punished by that angel."

"Really? A reward is a reward. A punishment is a reward, too?"

"You thinking what I'm thinking buddy?" the first paladin grinned.

"Oh yea baby. You have my full support."

"You must whip us!"

"You must whip me too!"

"And I would liked to be kicked!"

"And me!"

"And I-"

 **-XXX-**

To think being stepped on became a reward for high honorary achievement.

Muuu! I wonder if this is the effect of the succubus race's natural Charm effect synergising with the miscellaneous buff Idol's Allure I won in a competition.

Idol's Allure, a passive buff given to Yggdrasil characters when ranked top fifty in popularity contests. The buff does absolutely nothing. The description for the buff says, "You are a likable and famous idol. This buff emphasises and shows off how likable famous you are" when other people scan the effects. It is- No. Was completely useless. Maybe miscellaneous descriptions have effects in this world?

It's kind of embarrassing to say, but-

I once tried to get senpai's attention by becoming popular on Yggdrasil. When I reached idol status, large Yggdrasil fan-bases started publishing about me.

All was going smoothingly. However-

I soon came to learn that the net is a deep, dark and dank place. Books and doujinshi with despicable titles were soon being produced. Titles such as, Mio Mio explores the deep dark slime dungeon, Mio Mio adventures with the lesbian flying octopus' tentacles, 11 AM Mio Mio, Mio GTX-

My most hated one was "Mio Mio after hours with her senpai". That drawn character looks nothing like senpai! His one is a little darker-

Slut? I am not a slut! Sucking without the other party's consent is just self-satisfaction, and I am not satisfied unless senpai is satisfied.

Following that- since my character design looked similar to me- I started getting creepy stares.

Ah. Senpai was so kind. He defended me by shouting "Hurry and get back to work you idiots! We aren't making schedule!"

I cupped my hands around my face while seated by a tea table in the garden. Ignoring the paladins, I fell deep into thought.

What method should I use so senpai notices me now?

Huh? How rude! You were thinking I sound just a little more normal, like girl in love, were you not!? Of course! I. Am. A. Girl. In. Love. And. I. Am. Normal. in every sense and purpose.

How dare you call bullshit!

The easiest way to get a man's attention is to directly assault him, right? So, that is exactly what I am doing.

Do I still assault his precious dungeon even in this new world though? What happens if senpai dies in this world? Should not matter too much right? I have got tons of **Resurrection wands** to spare.

To be honest, I am not good at dungeon raiding.

It's true that I have intruded the dungeon senpai is in, but that was during the primordial days of the guild. Back then, Onii-chan was in the backlines as the guild master, as the guild master is the most important person during the raids.

I had the chances to focus on player-killing senpai. Senpai was the only person I needed to focus anyways. Other players and dungeon conquering did not matter.

The main reason is because senpai's raging voice is so charmi- cough- cough- is to make senpai think Yggdrasil is a terrible game and quit. This is the foremost objective.

The paladin beneath my feet interjects my thoughts-

"You seem to be worried Mio-sama. Do not worry. For I will hold you tightly with my rock hard muscles should monsters-"

"Dominatrix's heel level I."

" Ahhgn- This ecstasy-" squeeled the paladin.

What a good paralysing effect.

I looked back at the sky and began pondering on my plan. Slowly, I zoned out and creeped into a daydream of the early days back in Yggdrasil.

 **-XXX-**

"Uhu huhu! Kya hah aha aha!" Mio laughed in joy, as she casted her spells and straddled Momonga. " **Resurrection wand**! Binding ropes! Oh! Turtle style is not bad either. Say hello to Scissor-chan again."

"No- No fair! Stop! That's abuse of cash items! I will forward this to the GM later! You will be suspended!" choked Momonga.

"Say what you want, but this is part of game mechanics. Besides- the company is mostly composed of money hungry idiots."

A large grin appears on Mio's face, knowing the reward she was about to reap.

"Crunch! Crunch! Crunch!" went the avatar, as Mio stabbed deeply with Scissor-chan.

Slowly and steadily Momonga's health bar withered. Eventually, the red lights in his eye sockets dissipate, signalling his health bar is depleted.

"No, no, senpai" Mio lasciviously licking her lips. "The night is still young, and the dungeon raid fun has just started. **Resurrection wand**! Binding leather! Uf fu fu. Hog tied this time."

"Mfffff!"

"Oops. Let me dispel that over-the-mouth gag for you."

"You have got to be kidding me! You have to be one of those damn internet trolls! What can you possibly get out killing me over and over in a dungeon raid of this guild? You are spending like five-hundred yen every time you do this you know? Why are you using piercing damage against undead anyways? I'm sure you had other weapons when your party started the raid."

"Yea, well. Your salt is worth it. Could it be you are about to drop a level again?'

"Geh- No-," Momonga looks away.

"Your obviously lying. Losing two levels in thirty minutes, huh? New record? I am surprised you do not have anything against binding. Could it be your fetish being tied up like this? I do not mind being the M sometimes though."

"Are you crazy!?" Momonga fumed. "I'm not someone like you who can spend over four-thousand yen player-killing the same person over and over in one sitting! Those counter-items are expensive per usage."

The retreat horn sounds.

"Looks like I have to finish up! Tee-hee."

"Wait! Stop it! Seriously! You will get banned! I don't even have good items on me. You don't get experience points from this. I will make you a deal you cannot ref-"

- **XXX-**

Muf ufufu- Last night was fully exhilarating.

I love how the sound of bones breaking is quite accurate. Eh? Is it not common knowledge to know what it sounds like?

I peeked out from a corner in the office.

As expected- Senpai is more tired than usual.

Proof?

Senpai did not buy his usual single shot latte. Instead, he bought a single shot cappuccino.

Explanation.

Ever since the modernisation of coffee from early twenty-first century, milk frothing defined the difference of coffee served.

Traditionally, latte is half-shot and served in glass cups, along with zero point five centimetres froth. Getting one shot these days with latte is quite the norm.

Cappuccino is served with generally one shot and one point five centimetres of froth.

Now you understand right? Senpai is having a slightly higher concentration of coffee. Milk has to be reduced to accommodate the froth in the volumes of cup, whereas the shots stay the same-

"Yo!" greeted an unknown senpai. "Suzuki! How's the coffee I recommended?"

"Unexpectedly good," replied Satoru. " I like how frothy it is."

The unknown senpai wrapped hi- his- his- ar- arm- arms around him!? He's now whispering into senpai's ears li-like lovers!

Too close! They are too close! How dare he get that close to my senpai! W- wh- wh- what are they saying while being s- so close? S- shameless!

"How- horr- r- movi- I lent you? I just lov… char…ter's gap moe…"

Are words I can make out using my lip reading skills.

Love? Moe? Turn on?

Gasp! I screwed up. I screwed up!

My fist met the wall- Ouch!

I have not considered this before.

What if. Just what if.

What if two senpais noticed each other!?

* * *

 **The coffee thing is measurements somewhat legit**

 **I say somewhat legit because there are slightly different variations depending on the part of world you are in**


	6. Chapter 4: Only if Esc worked

Enjoying dark humour is like enjoying the ability to stand… cough… cough… some people can't st... cough... cough...

Please do not copy the main character's action in any possible way.

And lastly, to you haters with no constructive criticism that make the community toxic – here's a rope, it's for your neck

* * *

 **Only if Esc worked**

 **-XXX-**

Hmmm. What happens when two senpais notice each other?

Of course, it would be something like…

"Mmphf. Now that I am on top, where would you like it, Suzuki. Perhaps, here? My Excalibur is primed and ready to go."

"Yahnn. Please don't tease me. Shoot it right there. Yes. Yes! Yaaaaaaaaa!"

 **-XXX-**

"Uue hue hue hue-"

What a glorious image.

No, no, no.

If senpai notices another senpai, then when will senpai notice me!?

Tsk. I have to do something about that clingy cockroach. On the other hand, that random Gap Moe-senpai is the least of my worries.

Onii-chan has expanded the guild quite rapidly over these past few months. I masterminded around two to three attacks each week on the guild.

In every raid, I focus down senpai, and losing around one to two levels. He should be very vexed, right-? Logically speak that would be correct.

However, however, however-! Senpai shows no signs of quitting. Rather, he looks happier than ever spending time on Yggdrasil these days with those filthy bunch.

Kuu-! What is this anguished feeling in my heart? Is this the same feeling as knowing your man is happy with another woman and her family? That bitch Yggdrasil-chan must die! Senpai, she can never fully satisfy you like I can.

To make matters worse, onii-chan handed over the guild master position to senpai. Now their guild's battle formation has completely changed. Onii-chan now acts as senpai's vanguard because of the change. I cannot seem to be able to break pass onii-chan- why is onii-chan so good at close combat anyways!?

Ainz Ooal Gown now basically has a fortress impregnatable by force over the past month.

Ku ku ku kuuu. Impregnate- such a sweet word. By force- even better

Ahem. To summarise my troubles-

The guild roughly consists of around forty members including senpai.

Most of the guild's players are top-tier in their own fields. The most dangerous fact is that the guild is suspected to have around a dozen world items.

One fourth of the guild is pretty active. Half of the guild is semi-active. The rest either has quit or rarely logs on.

All of them are functioning in members of society. This explains the funding they have for the massive hoarding of cash items.

Senpai, do you not feel claustrophobic with all that trash gathered around you?

Trash- trash? Eh. What was onee-sama's saying again?- The onee-sama who had a annoying little sister who always argued against me.

Hnnng- "You need to remove the root cause for problem children" was it?

Words of wisdom from onee-sama. As expected of one of the best teachers I know.

No wonder you were previously a senpai who I admired and confessed to. But now, you are just an onee-sama I used to know. Would senpai become jealous if he knew such a thing happened?

Eh? Please do not tell senpai about onee-sama! Or else- I cannot promise to keep Candle-wax-kun's flames away from your family.

Blackmail? Nonsense! This is an equivalent exchange- you know- the age old law of alchemy.

Besides- my previous confession to onee-sama is woman-to-woman. Woman-to-woman does not count- nor does woman-on-woman.

However, onee-sama is correct- the "root cause" being the members of the guild.

But, how should I approach this?

Brute force is not possible on Yggdrasil- if only I can find out where the guild players lived - reverse IP tracking?

I still needed the avatar names though- the Three Burning Idiots I helped found should live to their purpose.

 **-XXX-**

"Kuuhuhuhu-," I giggled quietly.

Let's see-

Onii-chan, onii-chan, onii-chan- is ignorable? I guess? Since his wife met her end.

Takemikazuchi, Takemikazuchi is- hmmm- is father-in-law!? Who could have ever guessed the old man played the game, too?

Sorry onii-chan, for making the target of misdirected hate. I swear that your sacrifice will not be in vain.

How strange though-

Onii-chan and father-in-law's hot-headed rivalry persisted even into a game. How the heck did the two bricks heads not recognise each other?

Whatever- I guess that counts as elimination of two, instead of one.

My plans, my plans, my plans! I can see the ending already!

"Kehee-," I unintentionally laughed a little louder this time.

 _"Custo-," buzzed a background noise._

Re-educating Tabula's social morals should be quite fun. Do you know how wonderful these anonymous postage services are?

Gap moe this- gap moe that- This shitstain deserves death a thousand times over. Senpai noticing another senpai is forbidden love!

Please don't be sent to the mental health institute too soon. Let me enjoy you and your family's full blown struggle- okay?

As for "convincing" Herohero's boss, huh? Maybe with some photo-shopped picture of a random idol will do. I'm sure Herohero will become too tied up with his boss to even play the game soon enough.

Sigh- To think the skills I developed for photo-shopping my future wedding pictures with senpai will be used this way.

Oblivious to my surroundings, I pulled out my phone, and looked for the app I wanted. A large crooked smile formed on my face, as I found the twitter app and page I wanted.

 _"What do I do about this weirdo, boss?" chipped the pesky noise again._

 _"Ignore her. Get back to work," commanded another. "Damn young people on their phones these days."_

Wow. Blue Planet, you look happy hiking and stargazing with sake. A combo of "health recipes" and energy drink will be great for you.

"Ku huhuhu."

So- how do I get rid of the other fifteen people constantly buzzing around senpai?

Starting with the pair of siblings who play as Buku-san and Pero-kun. How should I handle them?

Buku-san- will be quite the troublesome. She seems to be well-known through some of her works. Her hardcore fans will be hard to get of my ass.

Maybe Pero-kun first? Cosplay convention, ero-games, and a "special" drink. Too easy.

With some luck, Buku-san will follow him to the boundaries of life.

Regardless, I do not think Buku-san will return to Yggdrasil if something happens to her dear brother. Humans tend avoid objects that reminds them of stressful emotions like sadness.

"Ke hehee he."

This is like planning up a Korean drama and tragedy movie-

Now the final questions come down to this-

Should I use ninety milligrams temazepam to send Pero-kun off to dreamland before disposing him-?

Or- hmm- should I use sixty-seven-point-five milligrams so he can walk in a hypnotic state? Maybe unknowingly off a unfortunate ledge- into heaven.

Both have their advantages and disadvantages.

Nnngh- Maybe I should use alcohol to hasten the effects?

"Uheu heh uehu ehue," I laughed out loud, unable to restrain myself anymore.

 _"Miss Customer..."_

I can already see the ending that belongs to me and my beloved senpai!

"Huehue hu ehueh uehu ehue."

Ah-! Peroroncino is into lolis? What a pain of an issue to address.

Onee-sama too- I'll come for you last since I like you a lot.

"Miss Customer!" yelled the cashier. "Please stop blocking the line!"

"Huh?Oh! Sorry! Here."

"Sigh. Shit job. Shit day. Shit customers," mumbled the cashier. "I sure hope my body scan comes back okay."

* * *

 **Do not take the dosages of temazepam in this as actual fact. Effects of medication dosages also depend on body weight and tolerance.**


	7. Can't Touch Me

I am not sure how many people realised the person Onee-sama in the previous chapter is actually **Yamaiko**

For reader who have come up to this bit… Thank you, but for those who still have not realised, I often make references to anime and dank memes.

AFC – away from console, parody of AFK – away from keyboard

If you have played MOBAs such as DotA, HoN, LoL, Strife etc. or even something like CS:GO, this chapter should resonate with you. Or even, Vindictus, Blade and Soul, Tera, Maplestory (before big bang) etc.

* * *

 **Can't Touch Me**

 **-XXX-**

Yggdrasil players clash in the Great Tomb of Nazarick. No- It cannot be even considered "Great", yet. In this time and moment, it is just simply a tomb of Nazarick.

The invaders are new and low-levelled players, hoping for easy loot from a fairly newly established guild.

"Of course, newly established guilds are chaotic in managing team fights properly, thus, making them easy targets for plundering" - This fact was made obvious by the one who led the charge with a manic battle laughter. The same player who is currently player-killing the same person over, and over again.

"Kyahahah- So you are the acting vanguard again? Kue hehe. **Resurrection wand**! And without delay, Dominatrix's torture combo!"

After completing her combo with perfection on the undead lich, Mio stopped to admire her work.

"Wow. Eagle spread tying is nice, too."

"Wait, wait! One-thousand yen already! Seriously? It hasn't even been ten minutes since the raid horn. Why the hell do so many people have resurrection wands and the same binding skills? They aim for me every single raid!" Momonga complained in frustration.

"Eh? You still have not figured who "they" are? I am a little disappointed you have not noticed- but, that works for me. Endurance! Smile for Scissor-chan."

Momonga yelled through the communication line at his team.

"Help? Help!? Team? Where's my team!? No… stop. My equipme-"

"Ah ahahah haha-" laughed Mio, as she knows she is about to savour every striking moment. "Let's hear some bones break."

While Momonga struggled against the binding skills, Touch Me was observing the chaotic battle in the backline. The reason for being placed in the backline is because he is the guild master, and held the utmost importance. The fall of the guild master can prove detrimental to the guild.

However-!

Touch Me does not care about any of that. He does not care about regulating the battle formation. This is because inside Touch Me's head right now, he is dreaming away about his "cute" and "innocent" baby sister, Mio.

Yes. Yes! That's my cute little sister! Your elder brother is waiting right here!

 _"Wait for me, onii-sama!" called Mio. "Ah ha ha- I feel sorry for Momonga- **Resurrection wand-** Sorry, I have to tie you up Momonga-san- You keep stopping me from reaching my dear onii-sama-"_

 _"No- Your feelings are immoral- I, Momonga, must stop you."_

A hallucination-?

Damn you Momonga! If I was in the frontlines, I would gladly welcome her with open arms.

I'm imagining things-?

"Kyahahaha-!" laughed Mio.

Impossible. Can you not see that's the innocent laugh and actions of a pure maiden. How can you deny that!?

That time I saved you was because I, as a concerned brother, was tailing- no- accompanying in Mio secret . I saw my little sister wanting to help stop those heteromorphic hunters from picking on you. Therefore- I saved you!

These tears of justice on my eyes are for my little sister's kind heart.

Momonga, you are a monster from denying my precious sister's feelings.

Come- Embrace those feelings my sweet sister! Break through him and my vanguards, and charge towards your dear brother. Your love is justice. As long as there is love, there is no barrier that cannot be overcome!

"Come!" shouted Touch Me. "Use your feelings and break through my vanguards! Your justice is here-! Righteous-! Standing-!"

"Touc- Touch- TouchMe!" Momonga called through the communication line. "I'm being ganked."

"Hmm-? Oh. Sorry Momonga. I was being a bit distracted with the chaos."

"Is your hand on your dick or something!?" Momonga cursed. "Send help immediately-"

"Everyone is fighting against this raid. I'll relay movable guild members to your location soon. Ulbert. Oi Ulbert! Are you listenin-"

"…I am the bone of my sceptre," Ulbert continued to chant, while ignoring Touch Me. "Ivory is my body and magic is my blood. Unkown to life, nor known to death- Unlimited Wand Works, buff up! Now, for my next bit-"

"Ulbert, must you do a chunni speech for every move? Nevermind. Let's see. Perorocino, snipe down the player that's pinning Momonga."

"Ah aha haha- I- I can't," laughed Peroroncino, struggling to catch breath. "Aha haha- My sides are hurting too much from laughing. I- I can't even aim- Momonga. Little squirrel. Cornered like that. Aha haha ha. I- I can't. Ah aha ha ha-"

"Ahh- what a headache," Touch me complained, while holding is head. "Takemikazuchi? Takemikazuchi? Is he AFC?"

"Sorr-y Touch M-," apologised Takemikazuchi. "Let me reconnect. I'm la- lag- lag- ging."

Touch Me sighed and looked at the ground.

"Hold out a moment longer, Momonga. Ulbert is almost done. You've been doing a great job tanking those hits."

"Oh sure. Why not let the spell casting lich tank?" retorted Momonga. "What do you mean by almost? Is he up to the "Roar, my secret arcana" part yet? Ah! My level is about to-"

I want to meet my sweet sister in the frontlines. I don't want to manage battle formations anymore. These guys are hopeless-

I want to switch places with you, Momonga!

 **-XXX-**

The raid continues in shambles in the front lines.

"Hehehe-," laughed Mio uncontrollably. "Scissor-chan! Scissor-chan! Ah! The sounds of bones cracking is bliss-"

Only if Touch Me could hear his sister right now, he would realise the horrible truth. Perhaps, he does hear it, but a part of him brain just does not see it.

"Guys? I seriously need a little help before my health bar depletes- if it is not too much trouble to ask for!" pleaded Momonga.

"Ha hahaha ha-," laughed Peroroncino continuously, with now hints of pain in his voice. "The flying squirrel is being skinned. I- I can't aim my bow… Ah aha haha…"

"My health bar is depleting!"

"I- I- I'm on my- wa-y, Momonga! The lag- is a formidable foe-"

"Don't worry, Momonga," Yamaiko rushed over. "I'm here now. I'll heal you immediately- so you can tank more-? Tier 8 Holy Restora…"

"No. Yamaiko. Stop!" instructed Momonga in panick. "I'm an undead. The holy effect wil..."

Too late. One-shot.

"Ahahah- Even your dropped cloak on death is squirrel coloured- ahaha-"

"You havin' a giggle at me mate? I'll boosh your fookin' head in!" threatened a character named KangarooJoe.

"Cyka blyate. Ignore him, KangarooJoe. Rush A site. Davai! Our tactics are superior" instructed a character named TheTzar, while running behind Joe.

"Who the hell invited an Australian and a Russian to the guild!?" Touch Me pointed out. "Especially the Russian. We can't even understand him half the time."

Yamaiko meekly puts her hands up and answers Touch Me.

"Eh? Is it not good experience to learn about different cultures?"

"Yamaiko- This is hopeless-" concluded Touch Me, as he face-palmed himself.

 **-XXX-**

After these unfortunate sequences of events in the battle, Touch Me decided to make heavy rearrangements to the guild roster in headquarters.

"First things first- as current guild master- we need to set up a few rules on who to invite. Sorry TheTzar, but you're out of the guild. You too, KangarooJoe. Translate for me please, Yamaiko."

"Yes, Touch Me. Извините, но Вы , чтобы оставить ВПО гильдии, Tzar. Sorry, but you have to leave the guild, Joe."

"Все нормально, Yamaiko."

"You lil' cheeky Jap' cunt!" swore Joe. "Come Tzar. We will set up our own guild with hookers and black jack. With another pair of eyes, we will raze the fields! Three burning eyes huh...? Doesn't sound half bad-"

"Zvuchit khorosho."

With the activation of teleport scrolls, both of them vanished from the room.

"Now, that they've left- I have decided that Momonga will now be standing in as the guild master and the backlines in our battle formation. I will replace him as vanguard. I will show you guys how wars of justice are really fought and won."

The guild looks at Touch Me stunned, and gave a dumbfound reply in perfect unison.

"Eh?"

* * *

 **Yamaiko = onee-sama in previous chapter. If you noticed, welcome to the hardcore fan club**

 **Yamaiko said Sorry but you have to leave the guild**

 **TheTzar said "Its okay, Yamaiko" and "Sounds okay"**


	8. Epilogue

I'm using Onee-sama to refer to Yamaiko, as we do not know Yamaiko's real life name.

Remember, I have never used Mio's real name before. Mio Mio was not a typo. That's her in game name.

Because of the rating, I have never directly said Mio killed anyone's physical body. She planned to, but it was never stated … Cough… all these... cough.. false assumptions cough… against my innocent Mio... cough... Robitussin?

* * *

 **Epilogue**

Urgh, my head feels so heavy. I remember drinking some sake with my family then… I don't remember.

Where is this place? It looks like my family's basement. That's the morning news I hear on the television upstairs. No one should be home this time.

Eh? Why can I not move my arm and legs? Why am I tied up? I have to get out.

"Hnngh…"

Suddenly, a heavily morphed and distorted voice pierced through the dark.

"Hello, I want to play a game. Before you stands a person, who has made you the last on her list, because you are her precious onee-sama. Correctly identify her, and you will be given the chance to run later."

"I cannot see anything. My eyes have not adjusted to the darkness, yet..."

Gasp. Red eyes? There is only one person I know with red eyes that would do this kind of prank. This guess is a gamble, but it's worth a shot.

"Mio? You are Kasai Mio, right? Why? Why are you doing this!? This is too far even for a prank from you. Untie me and release me at once!"

Mio removes her voice changer and laughs.

"Ku hu huhu. I guess the gig is up. You do not have to be in such a rush. Being turtle-style tied against a pole suits you, so why not stay a bit longer? Mmm… If I had to give a reason, then it would be because you spent so much one-to-one time with Satoru-senpai."

Huh? I only know a Satoru from another department because of the recent downsize in worker lists. What is his name?

"Satoru… Satoru…? Do you mean Suzuki-san? He's in a different department and I have only exchanged words with him a few…"

Slap! A cold stinging sensation. Mio's left backhand clashed with my right cheek.

"Oi, bitch. How dare you use senpai's sacred name so nonchalantly? I bet you had a lot of private and intimate time talking about sensitive subjects with him. Unforgivable. Absolutely unforgivable! I will make you struggle with terror for trying to poison my senpai."

"Huh? I don't know what you mean."

"Tsk. Still playing dumb, huh? Let me give you a clue. Flying squirrel."

"No way… Suzuki is Momonga. Gaming is really frowned upon in the adult community. I guess that's the reason why…"

Slap! This time with the left forehand.

"Oi. You catch on fast, but you are a real shit for brains sometimes you know that? Are you having early dementia onset, or are you autistic by choice in this situation? I still like you a lot onee-sama, but let's not forget to pick our words carefully. Anymore questions?"

What happened to my cute kouhai in my memories? No. Maybe this was her true self all along. Have I been blinded all those times when I took her actions as pranks?

What can I do? Maybe I can buy time and hopefully my sister will notice I'm missing.

"Wh… How do you know about the times I spent with Suz… Satoru? Even with Yggdrasil world items, it should be impossible to observe us in Nazarick. Also, what did you mean by "last on the list"?"

The face Mio has now is the face of an angel. A face that could woe any man. However, right now, she is just a wolf with sheep skin. She walks behind me out of sight. I can feel her stare. I'm like a cornered prey. No.

I. Am. Her. Prey.

"How silly, onee-sama. Real life is my playing field and rules work differently. Even my cat, Nyah, understands bribery gets her treats. In other words, people like money. Give the right person in the company enough, and they will give you what you want…"

"How do you have such amou… mff…"

A ball-gag entered my mouth before I finished the sentence.

"Shh… I am not finished, yet. Information and money go hand-in-hand you know? Unlike money, information can be worth so much more, and be so much more effective. Push them with information in the right direction, and I am sure you know the rest. As for you being last on the list, consider it my favour."

"Mffmm…"

I feel sick. The acid is trying to break into my mouth. All the while Mio is starting to blush and fidget around? Why is she panting?

"Ah. The drool coming out from your mouth almost makes me think girl-on-girl is not bad either. I brought some toys in case I changed my mind, but… you see… Sorry, but I prefer senpai more.

"Mffmmff mmm…?"

"Eh? What do I like about senpai? Kya…! Everything! Everything! Everything! Everything! Everything! Everything! Everything! Everything! Everything! Everything! Everything! How he walks! How he talks! His blue collars! How he brushes his teeth! His gorgeous eyes! How he cleans his plate!"

Oh my god. She is insane. This is the monster hiding all along?

"I am crazy for senpai! There! That answers it. Welp. I guess I'll give you the chance to run now."

She is cutting my ropes? Chance! I will run and call the cop on her… was what was supposed to happen.

However, my body dropped to the floor like a puppet with its strings cut.

"Damn you, Mio! What did you do to my body?"

"Kyaaa… Your scornful gaze and smell sure does take me back. Muu… Stop it. I might just go back being yuri again. Just looking at you makes me itchy."

After fidgeting around a bit, she suddenly halted to smile at me menacingly.

"Who was Peroroncino's player again? Well, whatever his name is, you seem to be slight more tolerant to the same dose. Do you know how easy it is to get tranquilisers… Sorry, I meant anti-anxiety medications prescribed when you feign anxiety issues? No. Maybe I am just a good actor. If I become a famous actor will senpai will…"

Fear. I'm so scared right now. Help. Help!

"mmmph… mmmhphhhh!"

"Just stay there comfortably, okay? I'll make it nice and cosy for you, soon enough. Ah… But remember to watch your gas during these cold winters. People are so forgetful and careless these days. Candle-wax-kun, look after her for me will you? Make sure you keep her company while I go for some shopping tonight. Everything is for tonight! Kek."

She's leaving me like this? I am really going to die! I don't want to die!

"Mpphhhhhh!"

It's no use. My words are all being muffled. My body is too weak.

"Accidental deaths have spike in the region during these past few years. The top five being directly related to drinking, falls, unmanaged gas, dangerous driving and food poisoning…"

The television? It can't be…

"On related news, the Yggdrasil game is ending today, due to its unfortunate loss of many company employees from death. They are currently being sued for poorly maintained buildings and poor work ethics. Many have either suicided or attempted suiciding. The matter is under heavy investigation…"

No. I refuse to accept that someone can be so cruel. Tears trickled down my eyes.

"It's been a year since our beloved anime and mangaka artist of "Maido-mon!" has been placed in hospitalised ever since the incident in the café he frequented. To commemorate his achievement as a top-seller, despite being out of commission for so long we will play the theme song to his anime."

No way… She has got you too?

"I want to be the very best

Like no one ever was

To care for them is my real test

Becoming chief maid is my cause"

Mio. That bitch. Anywhere in the world and she had to be here!

"I will make tea across the lands

Cleaning far and wide

Each Master to understand

The love that's inside"

Mother… father… sister… and Satoru too. I pray or your safety.

"(Goshujin-sama! gotta serve them all)

It's master and me…"

I'm cold. I'm scared. I'm blacking out.

Ah… so warm. I'm melting away.

* * *

 **Mio – beautiful cherry blossom**

 **Kasai – Out of control fire**

 **Remember Japanese then to have surnames first, but I'm not sure if translators have left it that way for light novel translations. My apologies if I mix up Satoru Suzuki's first and surname.**

 **In case you missed it, anti-anxiety drugs are basically tranquilisers/work like them, cutting out all the finer details. So basically Mio just had to fake anxiety to get prescriptions**

 **You expected a happy ending? I gave a happy ending… for Mio.**

 **This is the end for this volume. I may write another one, as I still have some ideas but see how we go. Next one will focus on Mio meeting the NPCs and behind the back deals with Albedo etc. if I get there.**

 **My first work is quite rough. You guys are welcome to leave reviews or message me constructive criticism on how to make the story more succinct. I will work it in if possible - that editor spot is still open xD**

 **I'll come back to this time to time and edit.**


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